October

It is october here in south central PA and it feels good. So much to think about as the leaves change. Harvest season is here and for the last few days the weather has been nice so Chad has been in the fields working late. As much as I love the fact my husband is a hard working man, I still have to adjust every season to the fact that he is just not home that much. I miss him, although when we do spend alot of time together its like a volcano. It truly is work to have a strong marriage esp. when one is not around alot. Most of our conversations happen on the phone and we have very little face to face time. I know I shouldn't complain because I have a man who cares about me, who loves me for all my crap.
I catch myself daydreaming....which means its time to get up and move or mow I should say. The grass is getting jungle-like out there and I get to be the lucky one to take care of it.

Rain

It has rained for minutes, days, weeks, and months! Everyday we hope for sunshine but wake to clouds and rain. Chad is frustrated that he cant get into the fields and get things done. They are SO far behind. He said to me yesterday all they need are 10 weeks of good weather to get everything done at work...and i told him we wont have 10 weeks of good weather before it starts to snow. They started putting up a grain bin at the home farm about a month ago. The guy hasn't been back to finish it, which it doesnt really matter at this point since they cant get the grain off anyway. All of this makes it stressful at home for me because i know that once the weather does turn....watch out! Or really watch for him. I know chad wont be home but a few hours before he goes out again. If they could and had enough help they would run all day and night. How are we suppose to grow our family if he isnt home? I do wish this rain would stop though...it would be nice to have a little sunshine and hope.

One Step Closer

Well...here we are. One step closer to building our family. More testing that turned out OK. There is nothing wrong with us...we aren't broken, we aren't screwed up, all parts are accounted for and working for the most part appropriately. Other then the fact that i don't ovulate and need to be started on Clomid. I am really excited to take this next step but also REALLY scared! If everything works out the way it should then we will get pregnant and have a baby. But oh boy! to have a baby! Yikes! I am ready but nervous.
I feel like there has to be a reason behind all of this. Why we were given this path to travel on? I truly feel like God has a reason and through everything there is a lesson to be learned. I haven't figured it out yet but have narrowed it down to some: God wants Chad and I to be stronger in our relationship before he brings a child into our lives. God wants us to be able to rely on each other, to depend on each other, and to lean on each other in scary and stressful times. I know that Chad has a hard time expressing anything and trying to be supportive isn't his strong suit but I really feel like this last round of tests showed him that I need him. I was a total mess of scared and he has never ever seen me break like this. I had to lean on him, to tell me it would be OK and to sit beside me while I cried in the middle of the waiting room. I feel like that one simple moment brought us a little bit closer. I feel scrambled and at times frustrated but also hopeful. I know that if I keep turning to God and keep working and leaning on chad, we will get through this.
Now just to get through all the hormones and mood swings!

Feeling calm

I feel calm. Well I actually feel like there are a million things to do, stress is my middle name, and work is beating me down....BUT I feel calm because I have a plan. Well I have a plan for the next few weeks.
See Chad and I have been struggling with getting pregnant for over a year. I always felt like I would be a fertile turtle and have no problems...I guess God felt that we needed a challenge or to work on some things before it happens. I have had the blood work, we did chad's test (boy he loved that one..not!), and now we are to the point of more invasive testing. I had been having alot of anxiety waiting to hear back with all the lab results and tried not to be the annoying patient who calls the Dr's office 15 times. Well she called yesterday...Good news that everything is ok in his department, now just work for me.
Does it get me closer to getting pregnant? Yes and no. I feel so much better knowing what steps are next. The best thing was when I said to the Dr. "All I want to do is have a child." and she said "Becky, I know. And we are going to get you there!" I just felt like I have support and that I am not as alone as I thought. I also feel like she really cares about helping me. I know she sees aleast 1 woman a day who has this problem but she made me feel like I was really important.

So here we go with the next steps....

(p.s. thanks to anyone who does read my blog and doesnt think i am crazy, desperate, or inappropriate. This might not be what others write about but oh well. This is where I am at right now.)

MIA

I know that I have been MIA for a bit now...trying to manage all things in life. Work is CRAZY! That's what happens when the weather in PA turns from winter to summer in a week, with maybe 2 or 3 spring days thrown in. I have also been trying to get out and take more pictures. I have found that I am challenged with having an "older" film camera that I have to wait to get the film on CD's, bring them home, and see if what i shot has turned out. Working on saving for a digital. Any suggestions as to what i should buy? I know there are a million and one choices out there but I have narrowed it down I think to a Canon Rebel T3i or Nikon D90. If anyone can throw some advice my way it would be GREAT! Thanks! P.S. hope you are having a great day!

                                                           The New Addition - The 966

My husband bought this tractor about 2 weeks ago. What a proud day for him! He was like a kid when he brought it home, calling me to come to the farm and take a look at it.  When I was able to get over there a few days later, what i didnt tell him was that i had a nice conversation with the 966. I made sure I mentioned that I wasn't out to get her and she shouldn't be out to get me! Chad tells me that this is the tractor I get to drive and it's very easy! What's he trying to say?!?! I am excited for my husband that he has a new toy, and as long as there is a seat for me I am happy.

Pictures

I developed my photos the other day. BAD! They all look over exposed, grainy, and green. You can't even tell if the picture looked good or not because of the developing. :( I bought new film and am going to try again. Things are only going to get prettier with spring coming.

Adventure day!!

Today was adventure day. It started out so pretty and warm, the sun was shining and I was in a great mood! I was going to take chad out and show him what I have am beginning to love again. We started great, having a good time, THEN when we decided to go find a place to stop and take pictures...dun dun dun. :( Fight. Frustration. Long story short...I have decided to probably do adventure day on my own from now on. I just dont think he gets it. It's not very soal soothing to him I guess. OH well. I did get some great pictures though.

Hobbies

So I picked up my camera and started taking pictures the other day. It is slowly getting to be spring and I want to be outside so bad. I have been trying to find somethings that are interesting to take pictures of, but not tresspass either! I went also to look at buying a new digital camera today...pretty pricy! I am going to have to save up for that.

Blogging?

Still trying to figure this blogging thing out. Not sure how to get even simple things like pictures to show up. Would like to put a music player on here too.....if anyone's out there and has suggestions, HELP!

My first post!

My first post! How exciting! I know that this will probably not be read by others..which I am kinda glad about. I am solely writing this as an outlet for what is happening in my life and the struggles I face everyday. There will be misspellings and incorrect English and punctuation...but hey I was a Bio major, not English!
I have read as many other farmer's wives blogs that I could find and as wonderful, supportive, and positive they all where, the one thing i found common among them all is that they don't talk about how hard it is to be a farmer's wife.
I married into the farm. I was raised by a teacher and a nurse, and had strong values instilled in me. I know what hard work and working hard means, but I didn't understand it then the way i do now.
Just recently my husband was deeded the farm by his grandfather. What a wonderful gift we have been given. We could not be more fortunate or grateful for this, and we appreciate it more then anyone can know. BUT what we weren't expecting were all the "extras" that came with it. The new list of bills. The new understanding of "the books" (I am still trying to figure it out). The new responsibility of being a property owner and dealing with renting ground to other farmers. It's hard and confusing and REALLY frustrating at times to the point I feel like saying "I signed up for what?!" BUT I love my husband more then anything and know that this is what I am supposed to do.
I struggle everyday to be the best wife and homemaker I can be. I feel like I fall short way more then I succeed. But I know my husband sees that it is all new to me and he is so forgiving and most of the time supportive. It is hard to work full time, 15 hour days of patient care, and then come home and try to keep giving. Chad has been so wonderful on my long days to have something to eat when I get home, or just be understanding that I have nothing left to give and need alone time.  I have to work even harder on my off days to do the things around the house that don't get done when I am working. Its like I am not present for 48 hours and have to make up for lost time.
Speaking of working hard to get things done, today is my last day off before I go back for 2 days and I need to get things in order. Errands need to be done, laundry is calling, and maybe some daily chores I have missed.
I am not sure what is supposed to be written in a blog....hopefully this is about it. to whomever reads this and doesn't find it ridiculous, thanks! All others, oh well!